New Year

Hey Guys!!

   

            For a while I've been pretty confused on my feelings surrounding life. I've never properly thought about how I feel and how things affect me. Since I was young I've hated the way I look but recently I haven’t really been bothered because my brain space is occupied with other things, things such as ‘do I even want to be alive’. I think when someone wants to die, it’s the only thing that really occupies their mind, your everyday life, your every waking moment is filled with ‘what’s the point’s and ‘I don’t care’s. I think it would be pretty useless to think ‘I don’t want to start the new year like this’ because you can’t change the way you think in an instant – Rome wasn't built in a day and all- even if that’s what I wanted. I feel as though 2015 is going to have lots of change, that to be quite honest probably needs to happen. I don’t want to be like this any more, even if I'm scared not to be.

     

      They say that you should only have three New Year’s resolutions to make it more achievable or something like that- (which I think is ridiculous, if you honestly wanted 100 new year resolutions and really put your mind to it I think that you would quite easily accomplish them all but knowing my sheer lack of motivation some days and the fact that I am a professional procrastinator, I’m going to stick with three haha.)

   So here they are:-

1.)    To be completely (okay maybe just a little more) comfortable in myself. If that means losing weight then okay, if that means dying my hair, then go for it. But what I need to be clear on and know is that I can only be comfortable with myself if I'm doing these things for me, and only me. It is me who has to live with this body, face and mind and so I will change them accordingly to myself, I will love them and cherish them even if no one else wants to. I shall accept myself.

2.)    Talk about it more. Usually when I'm down or upset or even excited I don’t talk about it because I don’t want to bother people with my emotions or thoughts. Especially if I'm feeling down because I don’t want them to think I'm pathetic. One thing I learnt in 2014 is that nobody thinks that. My friends want me to tell them about my problems, they want me to share things. The second thing I learnt surrounding this area in 2014 is that it feels absolutely reliving to have someone know and just listen to the things in your mind, and bottling things up is not an okay way of coping with things

3.)    Positive Vibes only. Sometimes in life we are friends with people or are surrounded by things that only bring negativity. Drop these things. If it’s a person, get rid of them, if it’s a place or thing then avoid it. I know sometimes school brings a lot of negativity (this is true for myself also) but unfortunately we can’t drop these things easily, however I think we should try to see the good things in them, don’t let stress get on top of you, don’t allow these things to control your life. Happy thoughts only.

    I'm going to try and stick with these things, and they are clearly things that can’t be accomplished in a few weeks, they are going to take a lot of time. Obviously there are other things I want to accomplish too. Such as: keeping a scrap book, go to at least  3 new places, go out on a midnight adventure, pull up my grades, help someone, volunteer, compliment people. But I feel like some of these things shouldn't really be a resolution because they are things that we should do anyway. At the beginning of last year I told myself that 2014 was going to be about me, that I was going to work on myself and to be fair, I did. I tried really hard but when things got tough I gave up on myself. I'm not going to do that this year and this year isn't about only me. This year I want to become a more loving, optimistic, free person that can talk freely about her issues and isn't afraid to try new things.  We don’t often try new things because we’re afraid of failing them, but we can’t keep putting these things off.

     

         The .saying ‘New Year, New me’ kind of irritates me. You don’t instantly become a new person at the turn of an hour, this is something that you’re going to have to work on.  New Year is a new opportunity, a fresh start. We should see each day as a new door, if the last door sucked then make the next one better. I'm going to try to see the positives in things and have a sense of adventure for everything. To be happy with things and change them if I'm not.

                                        I hope this made sense to someone because I feel like it didn't haha. Don’t forget that it’s okay to be scared or anxious about change. Its not okay if you let that fear or anxiety control you. You can do this. I hope you all have an amazing new year, make it your best year so far.

Maybe comment any new year’s resolutions you have? Or if you font have any maybe comment why?

Much Love – ThatGirl x

P.S (it’s a good job one of my resolutions aren't to be on time because this post is three days late  ... oops)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Being Alone and Feeling Trapped

      I recently read Zoe Sugg’s ‘Girl Online’ when I first heard about the book I was a bit apprehensive, she had never written a book before and I'm not really interested in the type of book ‘Girl Online’ is. However I was so wrong, I loved it so much and huge props to Zoe (who by the way has faced so much backlash over the fact that she had a ghost writer help her with this, which is perfectly fine as this was the first time Zoe has written a book and we all need help when we’re doing new things), I thought the book was extremely interesting because it was such a normal and relatable perspective as well as having characters that are very easily likeable (except some, you know what I mean).

      Anyway after reading the book it made me think a lot about the things in my life. Lately I've been feeling very down and haven’t been writing as much because to be quite honest I couldn't really bring myself to do it. Reading is one thing I've always been interested in and lately I've been becoming disinterested in a lot of things and I'm glad that reading isn't one of them. In the book the main character visits New York and the way the character sees and describes it made me think about how trapped I feel in the place I am. Have you ever felt so stuck in a place that it’s like a physical ache? Well that’s how I've been feeling lately. I hate being trapped here, especially when most of the memories tied to this place are negative. It makes me feel like nothing good will ever come of life, I know that’s probably really stupid but I can’t help the way my brain works (which is quite dysfunctional). I think going somewhere new would make me feel a lot better, give me a better perspective, actually room to breathe and think and just be. Sometimes it feels as though time is running out and I have accomplished so little and won’t be able to accomplish much more in the time I have. It feels as though I'm trapped in a glass box and water is slowly filling it up, I can see everyone outside of the box, I can see them encouraging me telling me it’s not as bad as I think, but they’re not actually in the box with me, they don’t understand that it’s hard to pull the plug when your eyes are shut and your lungs are full and the only way to find it is feeling along the walls. Sometimes things get a little bit too much for me, and everything seems so loud and constant that I have to get away, and I can’t go to a small retreat because there is nowhere in this town that I can go… this leads me to the second part of this post, being alone.

         
             I am an introvert, not the type that sometimes come across as rude or disinterested (which is never the persons fault, it is just the way they are and extroverts can be like this too), but the type that gets tired really easy. I can’t socialise for very long because it’s so emotionally and physically draining for me. I prefer to be alone most of the time, but lately it’s been much harder to be alone because my thoughts are getting more and more intense. To some people I know it sounds stupid, ‘How can you say you like being alone but don’t like being left to your thoughts’ but that’s just the way it is. When I first started feeling like this I was terrified and now that the way I feel and the way I think are changing again I'm even more terrified. I saw something the other day that said ‘recovery is terrifying when you don’t know who you are without your sadness’ and I think this is 110% true. It’s very difficult to try and mould yourself into a different person, a better person, or even your old self when you can’t remember your old self, when you’re not ready to be different. I can’t even give proper advice on the situation because it’s all very confusing, but the best I can say is, time is genuinely a great healer (even if it is impossibly slow and painful sometimes). I'm not quite ready to actually write about what I'm recovering from and why and all of that, or more so I can’t actually put it into words just now. Just know that no matter what you’re going through, you’re not alone and someone, even if you cant see it right now, is rooting for you and is playing for your team.

If you've ever felt like this, or are going through something similar maybe comment below? Who knows, maybe you’ll find someone that knows exactly how you feel!

Much love – ThatGirl x

                                                P.S sorry this was such a heavy first post x