Being Alone and Feeling Trapped

      I recently read Zoe Sugg’s ‘Girl Online’ when I first heard about the book I was a bit apprehensive, she had never written a book before and I'm not really interested in the type of book ‘Girl Online’ is. However I was so wrong, I loved it so much and huge props to Zoe (who by the way has faced so much backlash over the fact that she had a ghost writer help her with this, which is perfectly fine as this was the first time Zoe has written a book and we all need help when we’re doing new things), I thought the book was extremely interesting because it was such a normal and relatable perspective as well as having characters that are very easily likeable (except some, you know what I mean).

      Anyway after reading the book it made me think a lot about the things in my life. Lately I've been feeling very down and haven’t been writing as much because to be quite honest I couldn't really bring myself to do it. Reading is one thing I've always been interested in and lately I've been becoming disinterested in a lot of things and I'm glad that reading isn't one of them. In the book the main character visits New York and the way the character sees and describes it made me think about how trapped I feel in the place I am. Have you ever felt so stuck in a place that it’s like a physical ache? Well that’s how I've been feeling lately. I hate being trapped here, especially when most of the memories tied to this place are negative. It makes me feel like nothing good will ever come of life, I know that’s probably really stupid but I can’t help the way my brain works (which is quite dysfunctional). I think going somewhere new would make me feel a lot better, give me a better perspective, actually room to breathe and think and just be. Sometimes it feels as though time is running out and I have accomplished so little and won’t be able to accomplish much more in the time I have. It feels as though I'm trapped in a glass box and water is slowly filling it up, I can see everyone outside of the box, I can see them encouraging me telling me it’s not as bad as I think, but they’re not actually in the box with me, they don’t understand that it’s hard to pull the plug when your eyes are shut and your lungs are full and the only way to find it is feeling along the walls. Sometimes things get a little bit too much for me, and everything seems so loud and constant that I have to get away, and I can’t go to a small retreat because there is nowhere in this town that I can go… this leads me to the second part of this post, being alone.

         
             I am an introvert, not the type that sometimes come across as rude or disinterested (which is never the persons fault, it is just the way they are and extroverts can be like this too), but the type that gets tired really easy. I can’t socialise for very long because it’s so emotionally and physically draining for me. I prefer to be alone most of the time, but lately it’s been much harder to be alone because my thoughts are getting more and more intense. To some people I know it sounds stupid, ‘How can you say you like being alone but don’t like being left to your thoughts’ but that’s just the way it is. When I first started feeling like this I was terrified and now that the way I feel and the way I think are changing again I'm even more terrified. I saw something the other day that said ‘recovery is terrifying when you don’t know who you are without your sadness’ and I think this is 110% true. It’s very difficult to try and mould yourself into a different person, a better person, or even your old self when you can’t remember your old self, when you’re not ready to be different. I can’t even give proper advice on the situation because it’s all very confusing, but the best I can say is, time is genuinely a great healer (even if it is impossibly slow and painful sometimes). I'm not quite ready to actually write about what I'm recovering from and why and all of that, or more so I can’t actually put it into words just now. Just know that no matter what you’re going through, you’re not alone and someone, even if you cant see it right now, is rooting for you and is playing for your team.

If you've ever felt like this, or are going through something similar maybe comment below? Who knows, maybe you’ll find someone that knows exactly how you feel!

Much love – ThatGirl x

                                                P.S sorry this was such a heavy first post x